Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Beginning of the End of Innocence?


It happened this past Easter Sunday.  Our first child set a new upper limit for testing parental boundaries, and in the process, threw her Daddy into a quandary.

Our 4-year-old daughter has certainly told her share of white lies:  "I only watched one 'Curious George.'"  "We did wash my hair last night."  Those are of no concern.  But kid deception had up until now not been on our radar screens.

Here's how it went down.  Mommy was out of the house somewhere with kid #2.  Daddy was taking a shower.  Things were quiet.  Too quiet.  I'd heard a door shut, which signals our daughter wants "to be alone" for a bit.  It usually indicates she's setting up a family in a new Lego home, or putting together an art show of princess drawings.  We're fortunate in that she's very independent and imaginative.  She'll latch on to a project of her own invention and be good for an hour or two, easy.

When I emerged from the bathroom, she had just exited her bedroom.  She was using both her arms to cradle her oversize Easter basket, while her right hand was balled up in a fist, concealing something.  When she saw me, she got deer-caught-in-headlight eyes.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said.  She quickly made her way to a garbage can and deposited the contents of her hand.

I figured the key to this little mystery was now inside that can, so I checked it out.  Bingo:  two candy wrappers -- both from chocolate items.

Now we're certainly not an anti-candy household.  In fact, if our children decide to apply the "lead by example" theory to the eating habits of Mom and Dad, they'll both be quite familiar with dentists' offices a little ways down the road.

Plus it was Easter Sunday, for crying out loud.  She had just found her basket hidden in a closet earlier that day, filled with plastic eggs, candy, and a new pair of pink ballet slippers.  We have a place where her candy intake from parties, Halloween, etc. goes, and her Easter haul hadn't yet made the trip.

So there it all was -- gummies, jellybeans and chocolate bunnies -- staring at her from that big basket, in a room with no brother, Mommy or Daddy present.  It doesn't matter if you're a kid or an adult -- feasting on Easter candy on Easter Day is what you're supposed to do.

I think what bothered me was that her inclination was to suppress the fact that she had just chowed some chocolate, instead of simply saying, "I just had some candy from my Easter basket, and it tasted good!"

But then I realized something.  On any other day, our daughter would ask for a treat and we'd okay it, typically waiting until after a meal to give it to her.  She doesn't have candy every day, but when she does, we have a limit for it, and she knows what it is.  My wife and I knew that rule was waived for Easter, but our daughter didn't.  That's likely why she chose to hide the snack.

I wouldn't go so far as to say her reticence hurt my feelings, but it did trigger some thoughts about how the nature of my relationship with my daughter could evolve.  What I'd like is a completely open forum:  Any problem you have, kid, Dad can handle, or at least give an opinion.

What also struck me was that it was a clear sign of what might be around the corner.  I flashed back to my own deceptions and lies when I was young.  They weren't excessive, but they were also not my finest moments.

Then I flashed forward, to what my daughter might keep from Mom and Dad:  a bad-for-her boyfriend, busting curfew, sneaking booze.  Suddenly, I was happy we lived on an upper floor in our building, so she couldn't use some of her dolls to make a fake kid under the covers, then slip out a window.

I ended up having a chat about honesty with her.  I told her that having Easter candy on Easter Day was totally fine.  I also told her that she could tell me anything.  She said, "Okay."  Then I offered her a few jellybeans.


Do you remember the first time your child deceived you?

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