To Sleep Or Not To Sleep: Do I Have a Choice?

They're three of the most dreaded words the parent of a young child can hear:  Cry it out.

Let me report this right off the bat:  My wife and I are adherents of the "cry it out" method, and we've practiced it on both our children.  So if you don't agree with Dr. Ferber or Dr. Weissbluth and would rather not hear about it, you can bail now.

But you shouldn't worry, I won't be advocating for "cry it out" as the sole solution here.  Every parent has a set of beliefs and a way of doing things.  What works for one child -- and that child's Mom and Dad -- is not guaranteed to work for another.

Furthermore, the truth of the matter is that neither "cry it out" nor any other magical sleep solution you may hear about will solve all sleep problems.  At least, not in my home.

We have actually tried multiple sleep training methods with both our kids.  They're trying to figure out how to sleep, just like we're trying to figure out how to best get them to sleep.  No matter how well one way works, it won't work all the time.

What CIO did do was set an expectation for our kids at an early age that they needed to learn to go to sleep on their own, even when they didn't want to.  It worked great for kid #1, but kid #2 has a mind of his own.

Kid #1 is our 4-year daughter, who adopted the CIO method in just one night --  about 15 minutes, to be exact.  We had expected the worst.  We were in a one bedroom apartment at the time (not recommended with a kid in the picture, let alone two) and on the night in question, we grabbed pillows and sheets, and set up camp on some couch cushions in the living room.  We assumed we'd be there all night.  Our daughter -- now the sole occupant of the master bedroom -- started wailing, and when we went in to make sure nothing serious was afoot, we found that she had chucked her blanket on the floor.  She was in the process of reaching for it through the slats in her crib.

We picked up the blanket, handed it to her, and left.  10 minutes later, she was out like a light.  That was it.  We revisited the CIO practice a few times after that, but after about the eight-month point, if our daughter woke up crying, then there was a real problem, like an illness.

It just so happens Kid #2 is quite an operator -- highly skilled at the art of getting us out of bed.  After our generally positive experience with our daughter, we figured we'd try "cry it out" with our son.  The initial run lasted a few more nights than his sister's did, but it worked.  Since then, however, we've had a lot of nights where the 17-month-old wakes up for no good reason -- at least, no good reason we can come up with.

Sometimes a runny nose will appear in a day or two, so then we know why he'd been up:  he was getting sick and felt like crap.

On other days, however, we've determined we're getting played:  The second he emerges from the bedroom, the tear machine turns off and he's all smiles, ready for some playtime.  It's like a happy/sad switch being flicked.  "Cry enough and they'll get me up so I can hang," he seems to be telling himself.

The reality is your kids are going to get you up -- often.  They'll toss stuff out of their cribs and eventually figure out a way to climb out of the thing on their own.  And just when you think you've licked one problem, or have survived another developmental milestone, something else kicks in.  Like night terrors.  Or teething.  Or talking.  Really.  These kids just don't seem to slow down.

Fortunately, my wife and I were always in agreement on the "cry it out" practice.  It's not easy hearing your child scream at the top of her or his lungs, but it helps if you truly think it'll get you a kid who sleeps better.  It's nice to be in sync with your partner.  That way, you can cling to each other when it sounds like all unholy hell has broken loose just two minutes after you've put your child to bed.

But having kids means, for a few years at least, you aren't going to sleep well.  So get some chamomile tea, take a bath, and hit the hay early.  It's going to be a long night.


How do you feel about the "cry it out" method?